What to Write When Someone Is Struggling

In my hardest year, I received many messages. Some I still remember word for word. Not because they were beautiful, but because they asked nothing of me. These are the kinds of words that helped.

When you don't know what to say When someone is grieving When someone is tired of carrying it all When you want to help Short notes for a gift tag What to avoid

When you don't know what to say

I don't have the right words. I just wanted you to know I'm thinking of you.

I can't fix this. But I'm here, and I'm not going anywhere.

No need to reply. This is just a hug in words.

You don't have to be okay with me.

When someone is grieving

I'm so sorry. I'm holding you in my heart today.

There is no timeline for this. Take all the time you need.

I remember them too. And I'd love to hear about them whenever you want to talk.

Grief is love with nowhere to go. I see how much you loved.

When someone is tired of carrying it all

You've been strong for so long. You're allowed to rest.

You don't have to hold everything today. Put something down.

I see how much you do for everyone. Who takes care of you?

Small steps still count. So do the days you can't take any.

Free printable cards

Eight of these notes as small cards you can print, cut out and tuck into a gift, a book, or a coat pocket.

Download the cards (PDF)

When you want to help (offer something real)

I'm bringing dinner on Thursday. You don't need to answer the door.

Can I take the dog for a walk this week?

I'm going to the store on Saturday. Send me your list, or don't. I'll bring soup either way.

I'm free Sunday afternoon if you'd like company, or quiet company.

Short notes for a gift tag

For the hard evenings.

Something warm, for a cold season.

Just because you matter.

A little light for your days.

What to gently avoid

“Everything happens for a reason” — in pain, this sounds like the pain was deserved.

“Stay strong” — they have been strong for too long. Let them be tired.

“At least…” — any sentence that starts this way makes the pain smaller than it is.

“I know exactly how you feel” — even similar pain is never the same. Say “I can only imagine” instead.

“How are you?” without room for a real answer — try “No need to answer, I'm just thinking of you.”

I wrote about that last one in Fine, Thank You: the question everyone asks, and why “I don't know” was sometimes the only honest answer.

And in The Words That Hurt, and the Three That Helped I wrote about what I heard in my own grief, and what I really needed.

The words don't have to be perfect. Most people remember only one thing: that you reached out.

If you are looking for something to hold alongside the words, the Gift Guide has small, warm ideas for a friend going through a hard time. And if you would like to leave a few kind words for a stranger, Notes From Strangers is always open.

If someone you love may be in danger or thinking about harming themselves, please contact local emergency services or a crisis line in your country right away.

With love, from HerWay

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