Fine, Thank You: When “How Are You?” Hurts After Loss

“How are you?”

For a long time, I answered that question honestly. And every time I did, I felt worse.

I would start explaining: the nights, the heaviness, the days I could barely get through. I watched faces change. Some looked worried, some uncomfortable, some already searching for advice. And as I listened to my own voice describing it all again, the pain didn't shrink. It grew. Each time I said it out loud, I lived it again. I handed it over, and somehow it came back to me heavier.

I started to hate those conversations. Then I started to hate myself in them. I felt exposed, as if I had undressed in front of people who had only asked a polite question in passing.

So I tried the answer everyone gives. “Fine, thank you.”

I couldn't bear it. The words felt fake in my mouth, like wearing someone else's smile.

I had stopped hurting myself with the truth only to hurt myself with a lie.

Then one day someone asked, and I heard myself say: “I don't know.”

And it was true. I really didn't know. How do you measure a day like that? Better than yesterday? Worse? Was I surviving, or only waiting? I had no answer, and for the first time I didn't pretend to have one.

“I don't know” didn't open my wounds, and it didn't cover them with a lie. It was honest and quiet at the same time. It closed the door gently, and nobody asked more questions. Questions that had no right answer anyway, not for me and not for them.

I understand now why people say “fine.” It's a polite way to close that door. And maybe that's all those conversations ever needed to be.

Because only I can truly know how I am. And even if others knew everything, they couldn't carry it for me. Not because they didn't care. Because this kind of pain lives inside one person, and no answer, however honest, can move it somewhere else.

So I keep the truth for myself. And when someone asks, I give them the only answer that is both kind and real.

I don't know.

When someone asks how you are, what do you say? “Fine,” “I don't know,” or nothing at all. Whatever your answer is, you are allowed to keep the rest for yourself.

Would you like to share your answer?

I read every answer myself. It stays private unless you say otherwise.

If you are in crisis or thinking about harming yourself, please reach out to local emergency services or a crisis line in your country right now. You deserve immediate support.

With love, from HerWay

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