The House I Forgot to Live In: Coming Back to Myself

What is a home?

A roof? Walls? A floor?

I once wrote these questions in my notebook, and the answer came quickly. For me, home was never the walls. It was a pulse. A smell. Warmth. Quiet. Home is not beautiful decoration, not furniture, not clever appliances. Home is where it smells of love, where you are glad to wake up, where you want to breathe and move.

It took me much longer to understand which home I was really describing.

For most of my life, I made my home in other people. I took care of everyone around me, kept them warm, made sure they were comfortable. Their happiness was my roof. Their needs were my walls. I lived in their lives so completely that I forgot there was a house of my own.

Me.

And when I finally looked inside, I didn't like what I saw.

My house is not beautiful. The paint is peeling. It needs repair. There is no laughter here, and even lightness feels heavy. The walls are damp, and it is hard to breathe. The air rings with silence. I light lavender, but the scent cannot fight the thick, still air, full of stagnation and old hurts I never let out.

This is what happens to a house no one lives in. Not suddenly. Slowly, season after season, while you are busy looking after someone else's.

And still, it is my home. The only one I will truly have for the rest of my life. It is dear to me, just as it is.

So I have started to do what you do with an old house you have decided to keep. I open a window. I sit in the quiet rooms. I notice which corners hurt. I don't try to repair everything at once.

And I have done one more thing, maybe the most important.

I forgave my house for not being perfect.

And I asked it to forgive me for not taking better care of it.

If you have been living in other people's homes for a long time, maybe it is time to come back to your own. It may be cold at first. It may need a lot of work. But it is the one house that will never ask you to leave.

If your inner house feels tired right now, that's alright. What is one small thing you could do for it tonight?

Would you like to share your answer?

I read every answer myself. It stays private unless you say otherwise.

If you are in crisis or thinking about harming yourself, please reach out to local emergency services or a crisis line in your country right now. You deserve immediate support.

With love, from HerWay

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