Pulling the Thread: When "I Don't Know" Is the Only Honest Answer

What hurts more: words, or silence?

Indifference, or a slap in the face? A lie, or respect that is only for show?

I don't think these questions have answers.

Silence and indifference can wound just as deeply as cruel words and open accusations. Sometimes deeper. A harsh word at least admits that you exist. Silence doesn't even do that.

So how are you supposed to respond?

Defend yourself? But why? Prove that you're right? They won't notice anyway, if they don't want to. And then what is the point? To be right in a place where it no longer matters? To fight for something that was already decided, long ago, without you?

Where is the meaning in that?

The only meaning I can find is this: to protect the last drop of self-respect still left on the scorched ground of my own soul. A soul where so much has already burned down, and won't grow back the way it was.

Is it worth it, protecting one drop?

I don't know.

Lately, that has become the only honest answer to almost every question I ask myself. I don't know. I know almost nothing about life. I know even less about myself.

And strangely, that doesn't make me weaker.

The not-knowing is what moves me. It leads me somewhere I can't see yet, but I keep walking. I keep searching. And along the way I keep finding things in myself I didn't know were there: quiet reserves of strength, the places where the pain first began, and the knots that tangled my life so many years ago.

Because you can't untangle a lifetime of knots without finding where the thread begins. Can you?

So I keep pulling the thread, slowly, carefully, without any idea what waits at the other end.

Maybe a beginning. Maybe an answer. Maybe just another knot.

But for the first time in a long time, I am the one holding the thread.

Is there a question you keep asking yourself without an answer? You don't have to answer it here. Sometimes it's enough to admit that you're still pulling the thread.

Would you like to share your answer?

I read every answer myself. It stays private unless you say otherwise.

If you are in crisis or thinking about harming yourself, please reach out to local emergency services or a crisis line in your country right now. You deserve immediate support.

With love, from HerWay

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